My Name is Maya, and I’m an alcoholic

I have all the tools I need, to not drink for the next 24 hrs.

The one thing I am lacking, for some reason, is …the desire.

I like the way alcohol makes me feel. I have been drinking for about 6 months now, after 1 year of sobriety, and in lame attempts to prove that I can control my drinking, managed to stay away from the really hard liquors, and constantly maintain a good wine buzz.

I have been tempted to buy drugs, but managed to keep that desire under ‘control’. Mostly because all my security systems work. I don’t have access to large sums of money, I don’t live alone, and I don’t leave the house much other than Dr.’s appointments and work.

It’s now 7:44 pm, in 24 hours I will be outside the AA meeting and get so much power. It’s like cocaine for the soul. I haven’t been at a brick-and-mortar meeting since 2019.

I really want the 24 hour chip. A big part of my drinking lately has been the anticipation — Since I have been doing denial drinking (like secret drinking except it’s no secret) then a bottle of wine can keep my brain occupied for a good 4 hrs — from planning to obtain a wine bottle till trying to discreetly dispose of it when it’s empty I manage to find a lot of excitement.

Not only is it holding me back, because — I use drinking as a way to deal with my fear of success and self doubt. I also use it to cure my physical aches and pains (sadly it works but ironically causes more aches and pains when it wears off.)

I remember my first drink of this relapse about 6 months ago. It wasn’t an overnight thing, it was a process.

It is nobody’s business what medications I am prescribed, nobody’s business except for myself and my Dr. ‘s. But there is so much stigma around medication in AA and NA. I let that alienate me from the fellowship, eventually from the program till I’m out of control getting loaded everyday.

When I work a good strong program, meetings and steps and service, I won’t be drawn to the negative people who judge anyone’s program but their own.

I will always feel confident and beautiful and creative — not just after one bottle of wine.

It’s been a while since I have been struggling to stay sober .

I will do whatever it takes to get that 24 hr chip in exactly… 24 hrs.

Including admitting to the world, that I am dependent on poison.

If drinking really did make me more radiant, and more productive, a better version of me, more creative, more sexy — then honestly, I would still be hellbent on trying to drink in moderation.

And maybe 2 drinks can get me all that, but once my body is done metabolising them I deflate like those huge inflatable flappy figures outside a carwash, so I need 2 more and it’s either never stop drinking, or stay deflated. I tried not to stop drinking — I just found myself passed out for 22 hrs a day — there goes my productivity clause.

I’m so sloppy when I drink, I can’t emphasise what a waste of time it’s been for me.

Even after processing all that here in this document, my brain is still secretly plotting my next bottle of wine.

I gained almost half the weight I lost ( I lost about 70lbs) since I went back to drinking, and I’m pretty sure I fucked up my vision.

So why am I craving to get loaded so bad?

No matter how much I dance around it, there is no escaping this cycle and actually being the person I dream of being without working the AA program with all of my heart and soul. The only times I really got close was when I was committed to recovery with every fibre of my being.

I can do this. One day at a time. And everyday gets better but I can’t just abstain from alcohol without recovering my soul. It just doesn’t work.

Ugh. I just wish this desire would go away.