Surviving My Feelings in Narcotics Anonymous
Another butt in the ashtray, then a deep breath.
I keep squirming in my seat. I am uneasy.
There are moments when I feel like I am feeling every creature’s pain.
I have to do something — This is my first gut feeling. Sometimes the best thing I can do is nothing. Not dwell in my feelings, not submerge myself in them.
There is no point in listing all the reasons to be sad.
There is no use in fighting it. There are pains and there will be pains in this world, they are always there, along with the joy, the inspiration, the satisfaction, the fear, the loneliness, the doubt, the numbness…
What can I do?
The first thing that comes to mind, is to do something for someone else.
It doesn’t have to be world peace or anything grandiose. Listening to someone and making them feel heard and that they matter is my favorite.
When I feel resentment, as I often do, I try to empathize with that person, ( sometimes it’s my fur baby.) For instance one of my dearest friends is at her rock bottom, it is so frustrating to realize how powerless I am. The solution to her drinking and her addiction is right in front of her, she just has to let her ego go.
Sometimes it can be hard, listening to a 20-minute drunken ramble without climbing on that high, high horse and letting that resentment loose.
It was my iCal that reminded me her mom’s death anniversary is coming up and worst of all, Alcohol is abusing her, making her feel strong emotions even stronger and go down a rabbit hole of guilt and pain.
So why do I need to abuse her? Even if it’s just with my thoughts.
I still smoke, and this addiction is killing me no less than the drugs and alcohol did, an ex-smoker who passed that threshold could think “How is she not getting it?! The solution is right in front of her!” and they would be right. Especially given that I have used that solution and am using it on a different symptom of my addictive personality. The same 12 steps that got me clean and sober, are the same 12 steps that will free me from any other head that jumps up in the game of ‘Addiction Wack-a-mole’.
I can log on to a meeting, I can read the literature.
I also found that exercise helps a lot. My body is so used to crazy high levels of dopamine and exercise is a great way for a quick fix.
No matter what happens, I don’t have to pick up.
Feeling my feelings can be hard, and when my brain disassociates, I let it. I am listening to it, it says “I am not ready to talk about it.”
It’s easy to drown in a sea of sorrow and hurt, it’s easy to beat myself up and list all the things that are wrong and bad about me as if I have any control over them… If I did it would be like flipping a switch, BOOM! Gone! Working the steps with a sponsor is the key to acquiring a toolbox for living life on life’s terms.
I am agnostic, and I sometimes struggle with the idea of god, with that being said, I do believe in a power greater than myself, sometimes that power is the fellowship and program of Narcotics Anonymous, which is the most tangible a higher power can get in my eyes. That same higher power will slowly show me the way to a better me.
I am grateful that just for today I am 11 months and one day clean, sober, and free from the abusive deadly tormenting grip of drugs and alcohol. I only have to do this once, and I don’t have to do it alone.
Thank you all for reading.
I just started blogging, keep me in your thoughts, prayers, and your bookmarks ;)
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