About finding an Alcoholics Anonymous Sponsor (Or any other 12-step program)

Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-step programs don’t have rules, they do have suggestions, and finding a sponsor is one of the first suggestions given to newcomers. The idea of sponsorship and finding a sponsor can seem overwhelming, scary, and confusing no matter how long you are in the program, but it is an important part of 12-step recovery. In this blog post, I have listed some of the main questions about finding an Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor and my answer to them from my experience strength, and hope in different recovery programs.

What is a 12-step program sponsor?

A 12-step program sponsor is an individual who volunteers to guide and support someone or a group of people through a recovery program based on the principles of the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) 12-step program.

The sponsor is typically a member of the program who has successfully worked through the steps with their sponsor and maintained sobriety for a significant period. The sponsor and sponsee (or sponsees) study the 12 steps of recovery using the 12-step recovery program’s official literature, the sponsor’s experience strength and hope, and any other reference materials that they feel will help and agree upon.

The 12 steps are not a theory, they are a practical guide to solving all, every, and any problems living life on life’s terms can generate, we strive to practice them in all of our affairs but remember, it’s progress not perfection and the most important is our intention. To complement the theoretical material that they cover, it is suggested that the sponsee seek the sponsor’s advice on different daily life situations as they occur. The sponsor is not a know-it-all, and they don’t have all the answers, in fact sometimes they are flat-out wrong, but they offer another perspective, an outside perspective that is based on the 12 steps and 12 traditions. The sponsor provides guidance, shares personal experiences, and helps the sponsee work through the steps and live by the steps to achieve sobriety or recovery from addiction. It is up to the sponsee to exercise judgment and solve their own problems.

The relationship between a sponsor and a sponsee is typically informal and can be very important in helping both the sponsee and the sponsor stay accountable and committed to their recovery journey, my dedication to my sponsees and our connection motivated me to learn as much as I can and kept me clean many times when I had cravings. Knowing that a sponsee is looking up to what I was doing, in the sense that they are taking my actions as an example, made me be more aware and mindful of my actions and reactions to things ( It could also be my Neurodiversity but that is a whole other blog post). A big part of the role of a sponsor is to provide experience, strength, and hope to the individual seeking assistance and to listen without judgment. The role of a sponsor is not to be a therapist or a counselor, also they don’t tell their sponsee what to do, they listen, validate, and help them process their life and feelings. At the end of the day, it is up to the sponsee to make an informed decision and act on them.

1. Why do I need a sponsor? Can’t I work the steps by myself?

There are several reasons why you shouldn’t work the 12 Steps of AA by yourself and be your own sponsor:

• The steps are designed to be worked with a sponsor who can help you understand the meaning of each step and who can offer guidance and support as you work through them. Because addiction is cunning and baffling, usually the person we lie to the most, and who believes our lies is us. We need someone who will reflect the truth about ourselves, like a spiritual mirror, and be honest with us where we can’t be honest with ourselves.
• A sponsor can hold you accountable. One of the biggest challenges of recovery is staying clean and sober. It can be easy to slip back into old patterns, especially when you’re feeling stressed or tempted, it’s one of the few places where our pride and ego serve us, I know for myself and many of the people I spoke to in recovery that many times we were able to fight a craving because we didn’t want to have to admit to our sponsor, or to someone else we relapsed. We don’t want to let people down and lose what we have. A sponsor can help you stay accountable by being there and will be sick by you even after a relapse because we don’t shoot our wounded. Along with daily communication with your sponsor, it is also recommended to reach out and be in touch with other recovering people, and to reach out to a newcomer. Even if you have a day clean, you can help someone trying to get an hour clean.
• You need someone to share your journey with. Recovery is a journey, and it’s not always easy. There will be times when you feel like giving up. A sponsor can be someone to share your journey with to help lighten the load and they can offer you encouragement and support when you need it most without judgment.

Having a sponsor is an integral part of 12-step recovery programs. Sponsors act as guides and mentors, providing support and accountability throughout the recovery journey. Alcoholics Anonymous emphasizes the importance of personal connections and fellowship, and having a sponsor helps to build your own recovery tribe. While working the steps without a sponsor is technically possible, it may not be as effective or beneficial in the long run. It is recommended that individuals seeking recovery in AA find a sponsor to help them navigate the process and work through the steps.

2) What should I look for in a sponsor?

Many old timers will tell you “Men with men, women with women”. I think that is very outdated and doesn’t take into account the LGBTQ+ members of our wonderful community. I had a male sponsee who is sexually attracted to men and his disease was triggered by that recommendation, he would ask men he was sexually and romantically attracted to, to sponsor him, and as you could imagine, it was a hot mess. The fact that he found them attractive was not the problem, and in fact, happens more than you think, I fell in love with one of my female sponsors. The problem was his intention when asking them to sponsor him. He was verbally saying he wants them to sponsor him, but he was intentionally interested in them as boy toys. Fallin in love with, or developing a crush on your sponsor is not as uncommon as people think because our sponsor shows us themselves and shows us love no matter how deep they dive into the dark corners of our personality, it is important, to be honest about such feelings with yourself, and with your sponsor. I remember when I told my sponsor I was in love with her, it was a whole thing, It took me a long time to say that to her, and she lovingly explained that it’s natural. I would never feel comfortable with a male sponsor, I have too much trauma surrounding men, and in many ways, I fear them (no offense to anyone, I am always happy to have positive corrective experiences with men) which leaves me with an extra-terrestrial sponsor, and I have yet to find one. So what is the right thing? There is no right or wrong answer, it is very individual.

“Your sponsor should have what you want.” is another popular suggestion but what does that mean? That’s when you hear them share, you hear the way they approach life, and how they work on their recovery, some people also look at the materialistic aspect, and prefer a successful sponsor, or financially well-to-do sponsor. I personally think that it doesn’t matter. It’s not like you are programming your future self ( I wish it was possible and simple like programming in Python) rather you are choosing someone to guide you. All of the sponsors I had, I didn’t know when they started to sponsor me, I just wanted a sponsor and I figured, that I can always change sponsors if it doesn’t work out.

I think that is the best approach. I see people putting too much thought into their ideal sponsor as days, weeks, and months go by — they are still not working the steps with a sponsor, and eventually, a lot of them relapse.

“ Your sponsor should be clean and sober for at least 1 year and have more time than you.” — Both very good suggestions, although, one of my sponsors, went back to her sponsor after her sponsor relapsed and got clean so, technically she did have more time than her sponsor ( And she still does, they are both together till this day, clean and working a remarkable program.) This brings me to my final suggestion: “Your sponsor should have a sponsor, and they should have worked the steps at least once.” I had a sponsee that asked me to sponsor her, at my 1-year anniversary meeting but I hadn’t finished the 12 steps. My sponsor suggested it could work and it did because I kept working the steps and was always ahead, why is this important? Because in order to lead you have to know the way, and the only way to know the way is to walk it.

I have heard horror stories of sponsors getting drunk with power, bossing their sponsees around, telling them when they can and can not share, and what meeting to go to. Please know, that this is not a part of the sponsorship it is just a toxic abusive relationship.

There is so much more to say about sponsorship and about finding a sponsor, that I will write in future posts. I think this is a lot and enough to take in. Please feel free to comment and suggest future topics.

Love you all.