You Are Very Mature And Developed For Your Age

When I was 11 my family and I moved back to Israel after living for 5.5 years in the United States. Back then, I was considered a normal healthy kid, there was nothing wrong with me, I just had to switch from regular to diet coke ( ahh the 90s). I wasn’t mentally disabled as far as the world was concerned.

Fitting in is hard in the 6th grade. It was exceptionally hard for me, for starters, I looked like I was 20 years old at 11, I was overweight and I was weird.

During the 5 years in lower school in America I was obsessed with these two boys, Osher Masika and Meir Lewin. I was also obsessed with Carrisa, she looked like an adult too but unlike me, she looked like a hot adult.

Nobody ever had a crush on me from my age group during all 12 years of school, and I was dying to be desired, I had so much love to give.

I loved ICQ. My parents and I gathered around the computer, and watched the colors on the flower logo dance, we were so excited that in a matter of a quick minute, we will be writing to someone on another side of the world. The way it worked is, ICQ would choose a user at random, you could see their profile and request to chat.

My profile said that I am in third grade, and wanna marry Brian from the backstreet boys. It also stated that I play the flute.

“ Oh look! There is someone, request a chat!” My parents said, but the person denied my request. Then someone else came up, he said he was 34 and also plays the flute. He asked me who my favorite player was and I answered James Gallaway, and that I dream of playing a gold flute one day. “I have a flesh-tone flute” he said. “ I never heard of that, that’s so cool!” I replied…And that was my first unsolicited dic-pic.

By the time I reached middle-school I had several romantic and sexual relationships with older men online and so having regular sex with a 36 year old man at the tender age of 12 didn’t seem like a problem. “ He knows how to appreciate a woman.” was this child’s reasoning.

When I was 14 I ran away in the middle of the night with a 22 year old man and moved in to his parents house. He was a human Ken doll and he adored me.

“ I guess it’s not that bad, I was 14 but mature like a 16 year old, and 16 is almost 18, and 18 and 22 is normal.” I tell myself. But I don’t buy it.

My mom adored him as well, we were all blinded by his looks, his charm and his admiration of me. After about a year he broke up with me and flew to Asia for a long trip. “ You’re too dramatic and intense, I can’t take care of you.” Was what he said. I used to tell this story and say I was so stupid for being such a drama queen. “ Wait, you, an adult, got into a sexual romantic living relationship with a pre-teen in Jr. high, and you were surprised that she was dramatic and needed taking care of?! What?! “ is what I have to say today.

I was sexually abused for the entire second half of my childhood and all the way till my 30’s. I am not able to comprehend the magnitude. The worst part, is that I thought that’s how things are supposed to be. In fact, I only realized that it’s messed up after casually mentioning that I dated a 36 year old man when I was 12 years old in a conversation, it took that person a good few min to get me to even see.